I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
