I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
