i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
