How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
