After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
