I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
