Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
