the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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