I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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