if you like me you must not know who I am
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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