hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
