Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
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Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
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he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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