if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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