i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
