My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Sober January is a disaster.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
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