Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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