does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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