i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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