so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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