If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
