my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
