I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
