He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
someone owes me an orgasm
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
