The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
