The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs