Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
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