he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.