Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
