Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I need to stop coming to work sober
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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