Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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