Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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