So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
