I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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