im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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