I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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