I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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