I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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