I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
my poor anus
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
