Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
