We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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