i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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