I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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