im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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