I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
