Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
