My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
