...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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