i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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