How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
