Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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