The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
