Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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