sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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