My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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