I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
