I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
