a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I think your dad took our porno
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
my liver is dry heaving
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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