You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm getting married
To pizza
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
