i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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