Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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